The girl with Masquerade
Whispers
I lead, follow me
A anti depressant pill.
Friday, 3 February 2012. 3:52 am
First of all, I'm blogging like this, my face --> (>_.). My left eye is having infections again. Ok. Phone, twitter, facebook and even blog is currently like a cemetery. I no longer bother to update them or interact with others, why? I wanna get away so badly because I'm suffocating and sick of everything. My thoughts and feelings change literally at the flick of a switch. I'm having a very turn off feeling 24/7 and fears that I can't switch off. Fear of going out, fear of mixing with certain people, fear of falling, fear of this world, fear of myself, fear of cigarettes and everything. Bipolar, dual personalities and depression. All this are making me sick of life. I'm sick of life anyway, there isn't any reason for me to be happy. Absolutely nothing. In fact, I'm broken. Shattered, inside out.
Typing diary entries in my hard disk became a habit and right now, something went wrong... it's unable to connect to my lappy. If it can't be fixed, I would only be more upset. My 1 year entries, poof gone. Nothing's right. I don't get it, guesses and instincts. I don't get it because the truth really breaks my heart. I miss being gullible, at times. No guesses. No precautions. No hidden agenda. No fears. No mind games. Nothing. Simple and straightforward.
Chinese new year, a dream that collapsed. I spent my 3 days official with I've no idea how to address this person. So, been running to his house back then. Days were good, and short. Enjoyed couple outings and stuffs. Oh, chanced upon this random aunty that's so cute (I suppose), she mistook us as a 20year old+ married couple. By the way, you'll only see faces of me in this whole post because I'm lazy to take photos with the rest~ So sorry, please bear with my face and there's a lot of photos I'm lazy to edit... so, bear with it. Arigtao.
Day1- Went over to my relative's house to bai nian and then went over to his house. A short nap over there, ok we did the fucken most cute, sweet and awkward thing seriously. Lifetime experience. HAHA, too bad that's gonna be a secret between us v^-^v "If you're going to continue lose weight, I'm not gonna want you. You can go ahead gaining weight though, I'll want you." Went over to stanley's house to gamble. I'm so glad that I didn't gamble... majority of the people there lose. Banker's the biggest winner. That was a sleepless night, watching people to gamble.... I'm mad. Cabbed over to my house with him and the most fantastic thing happened. It was only 7am in the morning, for-god-knows-what-reason my dad woke up........... here comes the awkward situation between my dad and him. Glad both of them didn't put me in a difficult position, it was rather obvious and fake... LOL. I was only mumbling to myself "awkward moment... awkward moment..." Bathed and re-makeup, went out to bai nian again. Yes, without sleep.
Day2- Junjie's house was the first one we visited. Cabbed over to kirby's house next, what the shit... I swear her sister's room as well as her's are very well decorated. Holy hell, can I exchange room with her?!?!?!?!?!?! Now I'm very tempted go on with my plan: paint my walls blue, draw sitch around my walls ^-^~ Paste photos of my loved ones. Put red and black curtains. Black mirror. Black closet. Sigh. Ok continue, cabbed over to junjie's relative house. I was really getting sleepy........... and fell asleep there. LOL then the funniest thing happened-__-... When I woke up, I was still in *blur mode* so I still have no idea everyone is going off, and they were waiting for me. They yelled for me, yet I didn't hear them. I bet my brain and ears were not functioning. He was playing his stupid game cards and neglected me, so cannot blame me for for falling asleep :( I'm not that krazy to keep seeing them play cards, I don't have the energy as well!! Steamboat next, another sleepless night. So I didn't sleep for 2 nights.................... Ok can. The rest cabbed back home while leaving both of us alone there. My virgin experience falling sleeping in a fast food restaurant till morning, honestly I've no idea whether we're cute or what. Cabbed back home in the morning, mad sleepy.
Day3- Ok basically I stayed home and sleep for the whole day. My cousin, huiru came over to my house and we had steamboat together! Next day, which is Day4 then I went over to his house again. Short nap again and cabbed over to ahbee's house. There was a cute dog over there and I actually touch her..... Ok, it's a her. She freaking licked my lips!!!!!!!!! Oh god........... Virgin dog kiss. Adorable dog I swear. Carter's house was next, gambled a lil' and expected I lose every single dollar. Zzzzzzzzzzzz. What's with my luck. Cabbed over to junjie's house with him, ok seriously you guys should hear the conversation him and the cab uncle. Arguing over whatever road exit shit. Next, continue gamble. No, I freaking watched them to gamble the whole night again. I'm mad... Went home in the late morning, last good bye kiss. "I love you. So you don't need those bags, clothes and shoes. You don't need them to make me love you."
Nightmare begun.
Kisses, cuddles, hugs and all the sweet conversations. Everything that's tearing me apart, every single second. I thought I should be immune to it since I've gone through this for almost a hundred times and have expected this right from the start, I was wrong. I've put all my heart in it again, yes again. Apparently I allowed feelings to override my logical thinking, for the thousandth time. Bad habit, hard to die. You don't just give up on people you love. What to do about that?
When I'm trying so hard to be perfect, no one cares but yet when I commit a mistake... everyone remembers. When I'm obedient, they become more demanding. They become more not understanding. The more we drift.
I feel isolated. Oh look because it's night time now, this explains my depressed mode. Check my blogsongs, I'm in love with 'em. Follow me @Downwithloveee and comment at my tagboard to keep it alive. I should go, bye.
Yesterday I tried not to cry. Last night I just want to die. This morning I didn't know what to do because all I want is to be together with you. Why are you doing things that's making me fear of you.
First of all, I'm blogging like this, my face --> (>_.). My left eye is having infections again. Ok. Phone, twitter, facebook and even blog is currently like a cemetery. I no longer bother to update them or interact with others, why? I wanna get away so badly because I'm suffocating and sick of everything. My thoughts and feelings change literally at the flick of a switch. I'm having a very turn off feeling 24/7 and fears that I can't switch off. Fear of going out, fear of mixing with certain people, fear of falling, fear of this world, fear of myself, fear of cigarettes and everything. Bipolar, dual personalities and depression. All this are making me sick of life. I'm sick of life anyway, there isn't any reason for me to be happy. Absolutely nothing. In fact, I'm broken. Shattered, inside out.
Typing diary entries in my hard disk became a habit and right now, something went wrong... it's unable to connect to my lappy. If it can't be fixed, I would only be more upset. My 1 year entries, poof gone. Nothing's right. I don't get it, guesses and instincts. I don't get it because the truth really breaks my heart. I miss being gullible, at times. No guesses. No precautions. No hidden agenda. No fears. No mind games. Nothing. Simple and straightforward.
Chinese new year, a dream that collapsed. I spent my 3 days official with I've no idea how to address this person. So, been running to his house back then. Days were good, and short. Enjoyed couple outings and stuffs. Oh, chanced upon this random aunty that's so cute (I suppose), she mistook us as a 20year old+ married couple. By the way, you'll only see faces of me in this whole post because I'm lazy to take photos with the rest~ So sorry, please bear with my face and there's a lot of photos I'm lazy to edit... so, bear with it. Arigtao.
Day1- Went over to my relative's house to bai nian and then went over to his house. A short nap over there, ok we did the fucken most cute, sweet and awkward thing seriously. Lifetime experience. HAHA, too bad that's gonna be a secret between us v^-^v "If you're going to continue lose weight, I'm not gonna want you. You can go ahead gaining weight though, I'll want you." Went over to stanley's house to gamble. I'm so glad that I didn't gamble... majority of the people there lose. Banker's the biggest winner. That was a sleepless night, watching people to gamble.... I'm mad. Cabbed over to my house with him and the most fantastic thing happened. It was only 7am in the morning, for-god-knows-what-reason my dad woke up........... here comes the awkward situation between my dad and him. Glad both of them didn't put me in a difficult position, it was rather obvious and fake... LOL. I was only mumbling to myself "awkward moment... awkward moment..." Bathed and re-makeup, went out to bai nian again. Yes, without sleep.
Day2- Junjie's house was the first one we visited. Cabbed over to kirby's house next, what the shit... I swear her sister's room as well as her's are very well decorated. Holy hell, can I exchange room with her?!?!?!?!?!?! Now I'm very tempted go on with my plan: paint my walls blue, draw sitch around my walls ^-^~ Paste photos of my loved ones. Put red and black curtains. Black mirror. Black closet. Sigh. Ok continue, cabbed over to junjie's relative house. I was really getting sleepy........... and fell asleep there. LOL then the funniest thing happened-__-... When I woke up, I was still in *blur mode* so I still have no idea everyone is going off, and they were waiting for me. They yelled for me, yet I didn't hear them. I bet my brain and ears were not functioning. He was playing his stupid game cards and neglected me, so cannot blame me for for falling asleep :( I'm not that krazy to keep seeing them play cards, I don't have the energy as well!! Steamboat next, another sleepless night. So I didn't sleep for 2 nights.................... Ok can. The rest cabbed back home while leaving both of us alone there. My virgin experience falling sleeping in a fast food restaurant till morning, honestly I've no idea whether we're cute or what. Cabbed back home in the morning, mad sleepy.
Day3- Ok basically I stayed home and sleep for the whole day. My cousin, huiru came over to my house and we had steamboat together! Next day, which is Day4 then I went over to his house again. Short nap again and cabbed over to ahbee's house. There was a cute dog over there and I actually touch her..... Ok, it's a her. She freaking licked my lips!!!!!!!!! Oh god........... Virgin dog kiss. Adorable dog I swear. Carter's house was next, gambled a lil' and expected I lose every single dollar. Zzzzzzzzzzzz. What's with my luck. Cabbed over to junjie's house with him, ok seriously you guys should hear the conversation him and the cab uncle. Arguing over whatever road exit shit. Next, continue gamble. No, I freaking watched them to gamble the whole night again. I'm mad... Went home in the late morning, last good bye kiss. "I love you. So you don't need those bags, clothes and shoes. You don't need them to make me love you."
Nightmare begun.
Kisses, cuddles, hugs and all the sweet conversations. Everything that's tearing me apart, every single second. I thought I should be immune to it since I've gone through this for almost a hundred times and have expected this right from the start, I was wrong. I've put all my heart in it again, yes again. Apparently I allowed feelings to override my logical thinking, for the thousandth time. Bad habit, hard to die. You don't just give up on people you love. What to do about that?
When I'm trying so hard to be perfect, no one cares but yet when I commit a mistake... everyone remembers. When I'm obedient, they become more demanding. They become more not understanding. The more we drift.
I feel isolated. Oh look because it's night time now, this explains my depressed mode. Check my blogsongs, I'm in love with 'em. Follow me @Downwithloveee and comment at my tagboard to keep it alive. I should go, bye.
Yesterday I tried not to cry. Last night I just want to die. This morning I didn't know what to do because all I want is to be together with you. Why are you doing things that's making me fear of you.
N: may i know where you bought the black necklace (the one with lots of leaves)? you look really beautiful with your hair tied up :) you are not ugly. at least you are prettier than me. :)
- I bought it from talisman! They have outlets at bugis and fep :) Thank you for the compliment, you're really sweet.
girl: u do noe congle right? how did u get to noe her?
-Yeap. Why?
anon: what's your age?
-Why?
heyhi: If only we were friends irl. Nice to know that I'm not the only teenager who's so damn sick and tired of life.
-Hey hi, you're definitely not alone. You're not the only teenager that's feeling this way but life goes on ok. We can only bear with it. :-/
Wondering: Hmm how old are you ? quit school ? and why you don't like to smile ?!?!
-Can I keep it as a secret?!?!? LOL. 1) I look uglier when I smile, I find my smiling face disgusting. 2) It's sorta in my character, I've never like smiling since young!
PardonMe: Think you look way older than your age. Your makeup looks very odd in your latest post :/
-Yeah... It was a bad make up day, nevermind this blogpost will be the latest one right now~