The girl with Masquerade
Whispers
I lead, follow me
Solitude
Saturday, 30 July 2011. 10:25 pm
I've been wanting to blog, but I can't seem to think straight. I no longer can figure out how I feel, pretty scary isn't it? I feel like my world's falling apart at that particular instant, I broke down crying and all the suicidal thoughts crawls all over my mind. Next moment, I feel o k again and swearing to get back up again. Life's simple, less dramas as I've been staying at home and didn't have any contact with anyone excluding my family and bby. I feel like I'm slowly drifting apart from the outside world.... k whatever. It doesn't matter anymore.
I feel emptiness everyday. Humans, we are all broken inside.We just need someone there who's able to look through our fake smiles. I'm playing on the hardest act that I've ever played and I think I shouldn't be elaborating much here. I need a space with privacy, to fully write all my thoughts out without anyone reading it. Yes, I do need that. Desperately for it.
There are always times where I wish I wasn't given life lessons, it made me change in a fucken hard way which I totally detest. I miss those days where I believe that everyone's nice and worth trusting, I don't have to read too much into certain things or even take precaution against someone... Well sad case, once you've learnt, there's no turning back. I mean like, you can't possibly be stupid again when you've grown up right-__-? Doesn't make sense. If all of us have someone to rely on, none of us would want to grow up or be independent, correct? I'm definitely one of them.
I feel so afraid of everyone here. Just when I put in 100% trust into someone, it gets thrown back in my face and it really made me wonder if I really know them in the first place. I feel so afraid of "reality", because everytime I think it's kinda getting better, it eventually gets worse. It's even hard for me to have hopes for anything now. Everything fell apart, right infront of me. I'm slowly building up walls around me and this time round, it's not built only to allow people to tear them down. No, it's fucken not gonna turn out this way. The wall shall remain this time round. I won't be telling my problems out as frequent as I always do, neither would I be easily showing my emotions.
I spent nights seating at a corner of my room, reminiscing about the past and doing reflections, only to realize how much things I actually took for granted. It's relieving to see that I figured that out quite a while ago and decided to appreciate people and things around me. But...... on the other side, people took me for granted, I wasn't appreciated neither did they view me as a worthy person. Someone who's not worth the risk, not worth the chances or even love.
Back to the point, I really don't know what to do now, or how should I feel?..... August is arriving soon, time flies huh? I hope I'll find a new direction to go on in life.
--
Been staying home for officially a week and I'm actually gonna ground myself for another week. I won't hide this, I feel more ugly nowadays. I can't even look myself in the mirror, I look ugly and I feel ugly, it SUCKS to be ugly. Ain't exaggerating stuffs but yes, I'm ugly without make up and my skin condition is getting from bad to worse. 1. I need to spam water 2. sleep early. Oh, my health condition is getting worse too. I've been bleeding everyday for this week. Gums bleed, nose bleed, ear bleed, lips bleed and belly piercing bleed. Hah, what's up next?? Stay tune. Sorry for all this random nonsensical stuffs, I'm just purely blogging, okay maybe it's like a dairy sort of entry. Bear with me.
-Sincerely, the ugly broken bitch's dairy from https://twitter.com/#!/Downwithloveee
I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine.I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine.I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine.I feel fine. I feel fine.I feel fine.
I'm feeling fine, everyone happy? Yeah, I'm happy too. Just hope that I'll continue to hang on otherwise.... lol.
IT'S GONNA BE THE 7TH MONTH IN 1.5HOURS TIME, FML I'M SUPER SCARED :( GOD BLESS ME PLEASE, XOXO.
I've been wanting to blog, but I can't seem to think straight. I no longer can figure out how I feel, pretty scary isn't it? I feel like my world's falling apart at that particular instant, I broke down crying and all the suicidal thoughts crawls all over my mind. Next moment, I feel o k again and swearing to get back up again. Life's simple, less dramas as I've been staying at home and didn't have any contact with anyone excluding my family and bby. I feel like I'm slowly drifting apart from the outside world.... k whatever. It doesn't matter anymore.
I feel emptiness everyday. Humans, we are all broken inside.We just need someone there who's able to look through our fake smiles. I'm playing on the hardest act that I've ever played and I think I shouldn't be elaborating much here. I need a space with privacy, to fully write all my thoughts out without anyone reading it. Yes, I do need that. Desperately for it.
There are always times where I wish I wasn't given life lessons, it made me change in a fucken hard way which I totally detest. I miss those days where I believe that everyone's nice and worth trusting, I don't have to read too much into certain things or even take precaution against someone... Well sad case, once you've learnt, there's no turning back. I mean like, you can't possibly be stupid again when you've grown up right-__-? Doesn't make sense. If all of us have someone to rely on, none of us would want to grow up or be independent, correct? I'm definitely one of them.
I feel so afraid of everyone here. Just when I put in 100% trust into someone, it gets thrown back in my face and it really made me wonder if I really know them in the first place. I feel so afraid of "reality", because everytime I think it's kinda getting better, it eventually gets worse. It's even hard for me to have hopes for anything now. Everything fell apart, right infront of me. I'm slowly building up walls around me and this time round, it's not built only to allow people to tear them down. No, it's fucken not gonna turn out this way. The wall shall remain this time round. I won't be telling my problems out as frequent as I always do, neither would I be easily showing my emotions.
I spent nights seating at a corner of my room, reminiscing about the past and doing reflections, only to realize how much things I actually took for granted. It's relieving to see that I figured that out quite a while ago and decided to appreciate people and things around me. But...... on the other side, people took me for granted, I wasn't appreciated neither did they view me as a worthy person. Someone who's not worth the risk, not worth the chances or even love.
Back to the point, I really don't know what to do now, or how should I feel?..... August is arriving soon, time flies huh? I hope I'll find a new direction to go on in life.
--
Been staying home for officially a week and I'm actually gonna ground myself for another week. I won't hide this, I feel more ugly nowadays. I can't even look myself in the mirror, I look ugly and I feel ugly, it SUCKS to be ugly. Ain't exaggerating stuffs but yes, I'm ugly without make up and my skin condition is getting from bad to worse. 1. I need to spam water 2. sleep early. Oh, my health condition is getting worse too. I've been bleeding everyday for this week. Gums bleed, nose bleed, ear bleed, lips bleed and belly piercing bleed. Hah, what's up next?? Stay tune. Sorry for all this random nonsensical stuffs, I'm just purely blogging, okay maybe it's like a dairy sort of entry. Bear with me.
-Sincerely, the ugly broken bitch's dairy from https://twitter.com/#!/Downwithloveee
I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine.I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine.I feel fine. I feel fine. I feel fine.I feel fine. I feel fine.
IT'S GONNA BE THE 7TH MONTH IN 1.5HOURS TIME, FML I'M SUPER SCARED :( GOD BLESS ME PLEASE, XOXO.