Tuesday, 7 June 2011. 1:39 am


It's been such a long time I've blogged, twitter's been a good place to rant my feelings out... until it got stalked by people whom I don't want them to read my tweets. It's June, a very sentimental month for me. One year ago, I wasn't like this. I wasn't scarred, I wasn't hurt so badly, I wouldn't give up on myself and destroy my future. But unfortunately I did. On nights like this, I often reminiscence how things used to be like. I can't see my future, because I'm no longer schooling and neither will I achieve good grades if I do. My house is just a place to stay. I may have one or two good friends around me, but so what? Nothing lasts forever. I used to be someone who believes in "forever", but no longer. And that, I don't have that someone who'll love me whole heartedly.

I realized that, out of this 3guys I loved before or maybe still love, and that I've been together with them before... left me, someway or another for another girl, it hurts me badly... They're/was someone whom I'm willing to die for, to sacrifice everything just for them. Of course, some things are just not meant to be I guess. I despise myself, I accepted that I'm really not someone good. I don't deserve anyone's love. Every night, I feel like killing myself. Fought against the urge of drinking bleach, slit, smoke, drink, cry. I did not and I've no idea why. I'm sure I'm not afraid, maybe I just don't wanna hurt people who loves me... which I don't even know this people exists or no. Sometimes, I'm being hurt but yet I don't feel anything... that's the part where it starts scaring me.................... Have I lost the motivation to continue living? I feel so empty.

One of my greatest wish is to have a time machine, to travel back in time. I don't miss that someone, I just miss the past. Those days where I saw myself wearing smiles everyday, unlike now. Clubbing and drinking been a great solution to stop my emoing for 1 night. I may appear to love all this night activities, but in fact, I loathe it. They destroyed me and changed my life.

I'm helpless. How long more can I fight against my suicidal thoughts? Sorry, I just wet my keyboard. God, please bring someone to me in June to save me again like you did last year. I hate living. I hate pretending to be strong. I hate trying to look okay.I hate to appear that nothing matters when all this are hurting me inside out. I hate having no one suitable to talk to when I'm feeling so broken, like now. I hate it when I just suddenly get so emotional and burst into tears, then hours later... I'm feeling okay again.

I'm not going to say I'm a faithful girl who devotes all her time on her boy and he will always be a priority, be it as compared to family, my studies and even sisters. I know I'm not good enough. Being not good enough is worse enough, I feel like smashing the mirror everytime I look in it. I'm never good enough to be with anyone, isn't that so? That was why they left me. They left me, leaving all the excuses they can think of to deal with me. I became one of their options. Never their choice or priority.

Just give me more time. I bet everyone's sick of my rantings and stuffs, I'm so sorry... Please bear with this post. Ignore the pictures. I just want this post to look nice, the way I want. I hate myself. Once... just o n c e. Let me have someone who'll treat me like the only girl in this world and being afraid to lose me. Please. I forgot how it's like to be love, to be dote on and cared for. How does it feel?... Anyone? If all this is too much, then perhaps.. having someone who'll never hurt me will be good enough.....

June, I know you've changed too. This year's June becomes so miserable and full of pain. June, why did you change like everyone did to me? :(

- Downwithloveee