Friday, 3 February, 2012. 3:52 AM


First of all, I'm blogging like this, my face --> (>_.). My left eye is having infections again. Ok. Phone, twitter, facebook and even blog is currently like a cemetery. I no longer bother to update them or interact with others, why? I wanna get away so badly because I'm suffocating and sick of everything. My thoughts and feelings change literally at the flick of a switch. I'm having a very turn off feeling 24/7 and fears that I can't switch off. Fear of going out, fear of mixing with certain people, fear of falling, fear of this world, fear of myself, fear of cigarettes and everything. Bipolar, dual personalities and depression. All this are making me sick of life. I'm sick of life anyway, there isn't any reason for me to be happy. Absolutely nothing. In fact, I'm broken. Shattered, inside out.


Typing diary entries in my hard disk became a habit and right now, something went wrong... it's unable to connect to my lappy. If it can't be fixed, I would only be more upset. My 1 year entries, poof gone. Nothing's right. I don't get it, guesses and instincts. I don't get it because the truth really breaks my heart. I miss being gullible, at times. No guesses. No precautions. No hidden agenda. No fears. No mind games. Nothing. Simple and straightforward.





Chinese new year, a dream that collapsed. I spent my 3 days official with I've no idea how to address this person. So, been running to his house back then. Days were good, and short. Enjoyed couple outings and stuffs. Oh, chanced upon this random aunty that's so cute (I suppose), she mistook us as a 20year old+ married couple. By the way, you'll only see faces of me in this whole post because I'm lazy to take photos with the rest~ So sorry, please bear with my face and there's a lot of photos I'm lazy to edit... so, bear with it. Arigtao.



Day1- Went over to my relative's house to bai nian and then went over to his house. A short nap over there, ok we did the fucken most cute, sweet and awkward thing seriously. Lifetime experience. HAHA, too bad that's gonna be a secret between us v^-^v "If you're going to continue lose weight, I'm not gonna want you. You can go ahead gaining weight though, I'll want you." Went over to stanley's house to gamble. I'm so glad that I didn't gamble... majority of the people there lose. Banker's the biggest winner. That was a sleepless night, watching people to gamble.... I'm mad. Cabbed over to my house with him and the most fantastic thing happened. It was only 7am in the morning, for-god-knows-what-reason my dad woke up........... here comes the awkward situation between my dad and him. Glad both of them didn't put me in a difficult position, it was rather obvious and fake... LOL. I was only mumbling to myself  "awkward moment... awkward moment..." Bathed and re-makeup, went out to bai nian again. Yes, without sleep.



Day2- Junjie's house was the first one we visited. Cabbed over to kirby's house next, what the shit... I swear her sister's room as well as her's are very well decorated. Holy hell, can I exchange room with her?!?!?!?!?!?! Now I'm very tempted go on with my plan: paint my walls blue, draw sitch around my walls ^-^~ Paste photos of my loved ones. Put red and black curtains. Black mirror. Black closet. Sigh. Ok continue, cabbed over to junjie's relative house. I was really getting sleepy........... and fell asleep there. LOL then the funniest thing happened-__-... When I woke up, I was still in *blur mode* so I still have no idea everyone is going off, and they were waiting for me. They yelled for me, yet I didn't hear them. I bet my brain and ears were not functioning. He was playing his stupid game cards and neglected me, so cannot blame me for for falling asleep :( I'm not that krazy to keep seeing them play cards, I don't have the energy as well!! Steamboat next, another sleepless night. So I didn't sleep for 2 nights.................... Ok can. The rest cabbed back home while leaving both of us alone there. My virgin experience falling sleeping in a fast food restaurant till morning, honestly I've no idea whether we're cute or what. Cabbed back home in the morning, mad sleepy.


Day3- Ok basically I stayed home and sleep for the whole day. My cousin, huiru came over to my house and we had steamboat together! Next day, which is Day4 then I went over to his house again. Short nap again and cabbed over to ahbee's house. There was a cute dog over there and I actually touch her..... Ok, it's a her. She freaking licked my lips!!!!!!!!! Oh god........... Virgin dog kiss. Adorable dog I swear. Carter's house was next, gambled a lil' and expected I lose every single dollar. Zzzzzzzzzzzz. What's with my luck. Cabbed over to junjie's house with him, ok seriously you guys should hear the conversation him and the cab uncle. Arguing over whatever road exit shit. Next, continue gamble. No, I freaking watched them to gamble the whole night again. I'm mad... Went home in the late morning, last good bye kiss. "I love you. So you don't need those bags, clothes and shoes. You don't need them to make me love you."



Nightmare begun.

Kisses, cuddles, hugs and all the sweet conversations. Everything that's tearing me apart, every single second. I thought I should be immune to it since I've gone through this for almost a hundred times and have expected this right from the start, I was wrong. I've put all my heart in it again, yes again. Apparently I allowed feelings to override my logical thinking, for the thousandth time. Bad habit, hard to die. You don't just give up on people you love. What to do about that?

When I'm trying so hard to be perfect, no one cares but yet when I commit a mistake... everyone remembers. When I'm obedient, they become more demanding. They become more not understanding. The more we drift.

I feel isolated. Oh look because it's night time now, this explains my depressed mode. Check my blogsongs, I'm in love with 'em. Follow me @Downwithloveee and comment at my tagboard to keep it alive. I should go, bye.

Yesterday I tried not to cry. Last night I just want to die. This morning I didn't know what to do because all I want is to be together with you. Why are you doing things that's making me fear of you.

N: may i know where you bought the black necklace (the one with lots of leaves)? you look really beautiful with your hair tied up :) you are not ugly. at least you are prettier than me. :)
- I bought it from talisman! They have outlets at bugis and fep :) Thank you for the compliment, you're really sweet.

girl: u do noe congle right? how did u get to noe her?
-Yeap. Why?

anon: what's your age?
-Why?

heyhi: If only we were friends irl. Nice to know that I'm not the only teenager who's so damn sick and tired of life.
-Hey hi, you're definitely not alone. You're not the only teenager that's feeling this way but life goes on ok. We can only bear with it. :-/

Wondering: Hmm how old are you ? quit school ? and why you don't like to smile ?!?!
-Can I keep it as a secret?!?!? LOL. 1) I look uglier when I smile, I find my smiling face disgusting. 2) It's sorta in my character, I've never like smiling since young!

PardonMe: Think you look way older than your age. Your makeup looks very odd in your latest post :/
-Yeah... It was a bad make up day, nevermind this blogpost will be the latest one right now~

Monday, 16 January, 2012. 11:57 PM


I've been shutting my emotions out. I've been trying to be happy and convincing myself that I'll be doing fine. So glad that I've quit being a emotional bitch as compared to the past. Horrible emotional bitch. Thinking back about all the stuffs that happened, I'm afraid. Get hurt. Get a cold shoulder. Get ignored. Get replaced. Checking up the horrible truths. People left. All this stuffs. All the unhappy stuffs I should let go of, to let go of the fear in me. How can I be happy, how can I trust, how can I love, how can I open up, how can I.... when I'm afraid? Changed too much. Far too much. I can't express everything out in words. Even the change in me is scaring the shit out of me. I can't recognize this girl I'm facing in the mirror right now. All the feelings she hide, all the fears that's suffocating her. I don't know. I've got no idea of what to say. Brb.-12.03 am................................ Back from reading my last post of 2010. It was total bull shit and I recalled everything that happened on the count down. One of the incidents that's maximizing the fear in me. At least back to 2010, everything was more straightforward. I knew what was tearing me apart. I just know myself a lot better as compared to now. Oh, and I couldn't stand my x2 fuglier face when I read that post. Really. 



#1- Be happy.
#2- Be stronger.
#3- Be pretty.
#4- Apply for course and just study
#5- Slim down my fat tummy and legs
#6- Blog more
#7- Get rid of that fear
#8- Settle down
#9- Find my true self, who I really am
#10- Even more independent
#11- Break free?...

The paragraph above was a draft done by me. Obviously number 11 is striked out because I've broken it. Warning, photos are not edited. Where do I start from?... Count down was simple and meaningful I guess, I spent it with my cousin. I spent my countdown bbqing and eating prawns! That was totally unexpected. But I kinda like it when I break free from the social life. I mean, I just want  to lead a really ordinary teenage girl life where things are simple and happy. We weren't suppose to have prawns to eat, but the smart me had my ways to get us prawns ^-^ hehe





(My classic way of eating noodles~ ^.<)

Ohmygod, we only had $1.50 inside both of our wallets when we were going to have our dinner. Nets are not available at the bah ku teh store and the posb machine is really far from us. Had no choice but to go to a random restaurant to eat. Their food are damn nice I swear. That's how I spent the last day of 2011 and first day of 2012. I even went home early you know, I didn't stay overnight outside!!!

Got my o level results back and cried like no tomorrow, the consequences of not studying a single shit for o's is this. I can't believed I cried too. Duh. I just hope that weiqian will get into the same course with me, otherwise I'll be feeling so lost again.... I love being alone. But I hate being alone too, I hate the feeling of it. It sucks. I mean being outcasted, doesn't feel good at all hur? Who likes it? But I still love to be alone... I'm weird.



A late night phone call that managed to put pieces of me back in whole again. After getting my results, I felt like a total change person. Ever since that day. Rapid change of mood. Starting to dislike/hate people around me and acting like a bitch, so on. No appetite and feel nauseous everytime I finish my meal. Drifting from social life. Love to stay at home and rot. Bipolar. Depression. Pms. Whatever you call that.






Life's pretty normal, exclude those days that I'm acting like a bitch...  Ugh. Oh yes, I celebrated shien's birthday with isabella~ Hehe I was so happy that day to be able to meet them again. It was totally unexpected!!! I miss them!!!!! My best friends from my first secondary school~ I hope she enjoyed her birthday and luv that cake we decorated for her~ That smile on her face when she thank me for coming was really priceless. Luvs.



(Forced to write a note for the birthday girl. Yes, force. -_-)

Spending more and more time with my cousin. Watched "we're not naughty" with her and she was damn hilarious!!!!! 9/10. HAHAHA. Ohyes, we were stuck in jp after that. Dumb me borrowed my portable charger to my lil' sister and she brought it home, worse thing was my battery's dying. Smart me decided to tour around jp and charge my phone~ Attempted to walk home but major fail, we cabbed home halfway. Zzzz~





(I was talking halfway.................)

Then I'm going to swear that today, is almost the worse day of my life. A morning call that brought me a major bad news and my mood is not that good. Then a quarrel. Sorry if I acted like a bitch, but deep down you should know it very clearly yourself. Beebeebum? Seriously? And on this day? wow lol. Gym outing with my cousin was sorta failed. I don't even needa go inside the gym, the sun is like a foc sauna and I was perspiring like mad. In the end, we sat at the carpark nearest to the gym and had a.... 2hours or 3hours talk? LOL. And then we got screened............. I think my cousin was obviously excited to get screened. I don't know why. BUT SO CUTE. HAHAHAHA. ╮(╯_╰)╭ It was okay that we didn't go to gym because we already perspired a lot......... but we went to eat kfc. So instead, we spent today gaining fats. #okcan o(╯□╰)o headache. I'm going to continue enjoy my rotting at home~ The new stay home gurl gurl. heh. Sayo!!



Let me tell you something that I never had the courage to say. I want to be with you.




Follow me at @Downwithloveee for more updates and tag me ok.☺ Love

Saturday, 31 December, 2011. 3:15 AM


Hello everybody! Life's been up and down for me, but I'm glad that I'm always laughing because of my coussie :-) First of all, I'm jobless again and I'm a lil' depressed but oh well, maybe new year then new job? Hahahaha. Hmm, pictures attached are taken around 2weeks ago(?). Met bby and went to town to have our dinner, it's totally retarded. Jinda and his girlfriend came too!





Went off after dinner to meet jacia at her house area and buy our favorite taohuey!!! Yay ^-^ Ps// I miss taohuey :( We were seriously like idiots eating our taohuey in a park, 3 of us seating in a row on a bench enjoying our taohuey in the night. If you were to walk pass, you will get what I mean by "idiots eating taohuey in the park" LOL. Next place we went was bugis. Wanted to watch I forgot what movie, LOL so we switched to hong kong horror movie~ 3 of us were hiding behind our jackets thru out the whole movie! HAHAHA




Walked over to ktv place to meet ben & co. Nothing much, we basically spent our night singing there till morning. Ahem, obviously it was 3 of us who conquered the mic. duh. hehe. Was feeling very low during the karaoke session and I curled up into a ball then.. close my eyes. Yup. My eyes was a total bitch that day. Infected for 3 days, the hell.





Omg I can't stand how ugly I look. I don't deny that I personally stalk pretty girls too-_- haha. Anyway, just sharing 3 videos with you guys! Must take a look okay because it made me laughed even though it makes me feel even uglier at the same time...........





I'm not fishing for compliments when I say I'm ugly, I'm going to repeat this for the 12347586970594837times. My eye bags and dark circles, my not perfect double eyelids, my fucked up face shape, my dry and ugly hair, short eyelashes, flat nose, fat cheeks, height I'm not satisfied with and figure that is not even nice. Not pretty. Not pretty. Ugly monster... Even the lady boys are prettier than me, I should reincarnate again and hope that I'll be born prettier and have nice accents? Pardon my nonsense, pure ranting.




--







How do I look with my hair tied up? I spent my Christmas with my family and coussie. How about you guys? ^-^ It was mommy's birthday and as usual we ate buffet to celebrate. This year's buffet was still alright, the location is at clarkequay! Love the restaurant's deco and everything as it looks classy. There's japanese food, western and chinese food. Marshmallows with different toppings and so on.








(the girl I tease 24/7/365~)

(I tried bending down a lil' oredi.......... i tried my best)
So... my present for mom this year was cash for her to dye and perm her hair but she wasted it!!!! I couldn't notice ANY difference after she came back from salon. Ah. I got my data plan too, yay. Planned to upgrade my plan and get a new phone as well however I just found out from singel that my current phone isn't even 1 year old!?!?!?! So... I decided to change my phone, after it turns 1 year old. OK HAHA.





Here's a picture of my family, including me. It's been sometime we take a photo together as a family. This family, used to be broken. There was a few times where I really nearly lose my mom in many different ways. Horrible experiences that I rarely mention to people.





--


I tried to keep things in line and then, it just got messed up again. Spent last night partying at le noir with bby and coussie. Didn't enjoy at all, I was only interested in seeing my coussie get high. Obviously she didn't really get high. Oh yes, I hate the Caucasians there last night. They were freaking despo. One after one. Screw them. Cabbed home around 4am and coussie spent her night over at my house :-)


It's the last day of 2011. 2012 is coming in 24hours but yet I don't feel anything or maybe I'm just not ready for it. Instead of concentrating on new year resolution or whatever shit, I'm having this fear of those feelings tagging along with me to 2012. Enough. It's been haunting me for a year. I give up on talking about it since it's pointless. Feel free to comment at my tagboard but please be nice, I'll be blogging again few hours later. Happy new year's eve, bye.

Let our future cross paths again. Back to point 0 again, we'll know each other again. We'll fall in love again. Okay? Pinky promise. x

PSB: :D X'mas
-Thankyou! Happy new year eve ;-)

Joanna: Hmm , what brand's make up base and foundation do you use ? Mind sharing ? i think mine isn't good enough ):
-Pore putty make up base! Foundation I use Revlon and Maybelline~

Luvvv.: Where did you dye your hair o-o
-Neighborhood salon. I always go there to do my hair :-)

Daniel AkaRandomist: LOL ! Sure Look alot different ~ 0.o
-Lol! Old already, HAHAHA!

.: What hair colour did you dye?
-I'm not sure of the colour's name, they choose it for me.. It was like rose red?

follower: hey hi. :) i'm ur follower on twitter and i saw ur tweets about how u think u're not pretty. just here to say don't think that way ok. i think u're really pretty. :)
-Hello:-) You are so sweet! x. Thankyou~

simin: you working ? how old are you? you schooling?
-Not working now. Definitely not schooling now :-)